Futurist

I should take back part of what I said in my last post– in the past couple of months this seems to have changed. Maybe because I made more of an effort? The universe reconised that I was about to give up and tried to help me out? I have no idea what changed, but I sincerely hope it keeps on the direction its been going in.

And a friend is coming home for a while! I’m so excited and hopeful about this. I’m actually hopeful for the new year in general, which is a strange, unprecedented turn of events. I’m hopeful for school next semester, because this year in maths has encouraged me to be  less scared of numbers and to take the astronomy class I’ve wanted to take. Its strange that I’m so enthusiastic now, considering my current grades. Except for maths. I don’t understand how in one semester I’ve gone from shunning anything to do with numbers to almost…enjoying it. I don’t know if I can say that yet, but I’ve certainly warmed up. And I’m tentatively looking forward.

Not to be too positive, there’s a bunch going wrong right now, too. Money. Money. Work, money. Just to name a few. If I had a different job. But on the other hand, this is maybe the best job I’m going to get right now, until I graduate. Thats what keeps me in school– I want a different job. I don’t think I’m self-motivated enough to make something of myself arts-wise. I’m not one of those people who just exhales inspiration on to a canvas. I make very few pieces, actually, and they’re almost exclusively personal. I’m not marketable, thats the main issue. Or rather, I can’t market myself. And the classes I take I don’t feel like I’m benefiting from, though perhaps I should try an actual art school class.  I have a few ideas I’ve been pondering. Its not an avenue completely closed off.

On friendships and openness

I hate feeling like you know someone, then someone else says something and you realise how little you really know. I want for the people I am close to to feel like they can be open and honest with me, because they can. Being open is not something that comes naturally to me– varying by situation, I really have to work at it. And it kills me when I know I’m not getting that in return. Should I continue being open with this person? Maybe its an indication of a disagreement regarding how close the friendship is? Maybe it means they are untrustworthy. Doubts are like insidious epiphytes for me; they start growing around the tree, taking the light, until the tree finally dies and topples under the weight. Its not enough for the other person to try, for me. I want to feel like they’re open on the same level I am. Trying is so impossible to determine from someone else’s perspective. They could be stretching their limits but if they’re simply incapable of reaching it, their effort goes unnoticed because it can’t be seen. I am sick of the hiding. I want to know things about my friends, and not just for curiosity’s sake, but so that I can understand them better and hopefully be a better friend in return. With some people, I just have to accept this will never happen.

And now for something completely different…

Me, actually writing in a blog of mine! Dear lord.

I’m also simultaneously writing an email to Irene, because I miss her a ton. I hope she emails me back soon. I feel out-of-touch with a lot of people– speaking of, I want to write to Molly and let her know she’s invited for next summer! So now I’m typing three things at once. Too bad I can’t bounce tasks around in real life like this.

I should actually be going now, I have/want to bring Lane some stuff at work and maybe visit for a while.

And oh! A new painting. No images yet, I forgot what happened to my camera but its around here somewhere…