On friendships and openness

I hate feeling like you know someone, then someone else says something and you realise how little you really know. I want for the people I am close to to feel like they can be open and honest with me, because they can. Being open is not something that comes naturally to me– varying by situation, I really have to work at it. And it kills me when I know I’m not getting that in return. Should I continue being open with this person? Maybe its an indication of a disagreement regarding how close the friendship is? Maybe it means they are untrustworthy. Doubts are like insidious epiphytes for me; they start growing around the tree, taking the light, until the tree finally dies and topples under the weight. Its not enough for the other person to try, for me. I want to feel like they’re open on the same level I am. Trying is so impossible to determine from someone else’s perspective. They could be stretching their limits but if they’re simply incapable of reaching it, their effort goes unnoticed because it can’t be seen. I am sick of the hiding. I want to know things about my friends, and not just for curiosity’s sake, but so that I can understand them better and hopefully be a better friend in return. With some people, I just have to accept this will never happen.

~ by Catacoma on 26 October 2008.